“Coming Out” is a loaded phrase. It’s wrapped in innuendo, cultural baggage, and no small amount of expectation, but now that I have your attention…
In some ways, what I’m about to say has been a long time coming. In other ways, it feels anticlimactic, because most of you already know who I am, what I value, and how I move through the world. I live much of my life in the open, through blogs, social media, and various online spaces where I’ve shared my thoughts, my beliefs, and more than a little of my story. I’ve never been particularly secretive; though, admittedly, there are moments when you must read between the lines.
Yet I’m also, in many respects, an old-fashioned soul, raised to be self-sufficient and somewhat private, where one doesn’t wear every feeling on one’s sleeve. I have never been inclined to overshare my more intimate thoughts, practices, preferences, or orientation. If asked, I would tell you anything. But even with my openness, I remain shy, somewhat reserved, and often content to keep my own counsel. There is something to be said for a quiet and polite discretion, a virtue that feels increasingly rare these days.
At the same time, there is immense value in standing up and being counted, in contributing one’s voice, identity, courage, and conviction to the ongoing struggle for dignity, equality, and human rights for LGBTQIAP+ people everywhere. It is in that spirit that I offer my truth, hoping it may encourage, empower, or simply accompany someone else on their journey.
Many of you already know. Some have suspected. A few may be surprised. But I am, and always have been, bisexual. This has never been a phase, an experiment, a midlife detour, a confusion, or a convenient label. I am not gay. I am not straight. “queer” is a fine umbrella term, but more specifically, I am bisexual, and I am comfortable using that word for my orientation. I’m well aware of the ongoing debates within the LGBTQIAP+ community about terminology and identity; I’m not interested in debating my orientation or the language I use to name it. I’ve been blessed to know love with women, with men, and with those whose identities fall between or beyond those categories. Love, however it appears and whatever you call it, is a sacred, God-given gift.
And there’s more…
In terms of relationships, I am polyamorous. While much of my life, though not all, has been lived in monogamous partnerships, always by mutual agreement, polyamory reflects who I am at my core. It is how I naturally experience affection, connection, and love when given the freedom to do so. I believe love is not finite. The more we give, the more we discover we have to give.
For those wondering, what exactly is polyamory? In short, the word means “many loves.” It can resemble an open relationship, though not always; human relationships are beautifully complex. As Wikipedia puts it, polyamory generally involves “multiple loving relationships, in whatever form, in which all parties are informed and consenting.”
So, to summarize this little “coming out” message: I am a polyamorous bisexual person. I always have been. This is part of my identity and the way I understand myself as a child of God, important, yes, but far from the whole of who I am.
I have never been hesitant to lend my voice to conversations about justice, but I believe it’s important to add my own story to the larger chorus calling for equal rights for LGBTQIAP+ people, rights that, in truth, are simply human rights.
And so, on this October 11, #NationalComingOutDay 2014, this remains my story. And I’m still sticking to it.